Why did I leave my brew in the bathroom? – A frank approach to the morning routine.

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all my lovelies. Having fun? I hope so. Im not a fan of a life where people don’t enjoy themselves – life is for living, not dying xx

So anyway, he we are 9pm on a Monday night. I’ve had a vodka and I’m on my second. Possibly looking for a third but I doubt it, I’m not that daft; lol. Anyway, me and vodka have a love/hate relationship – I love vodka, it doesn’t agree with me. This in itself is a BIG problem. Why? Because I write things I dont remember, I do things I should be forgetting, and I’m a general nuisance all round. We all have to let go sometimes, right?…

I do not want to read this back in the morning… But oh well, tally ho, as they say…

So I’ll bet you’re wondering what I’m going to rant on about? Well read the title above, because it really is there for all to see.

It’s like this – there’s a page in the background on here that I use as a scratchpad. And on that page are ideas for future posts. Ideas which I don’t always get around to sharing and definitely don’t always get around to writing. But I will one day, and if I think they’re funny enough; they will definitely hit the blog. But It’s all about lack of time; and stuff like that. Boring things like life have a habit if getting in the way of me posting on the blog. And I should really make more time, but I just don’t.

However, some of these ideas are pretty funny; and they’ve just got to be said, “Lady Victoria Kinsella III” being one of the better ones (Stu, you’re a pain in the butt, and you will get you back one day, lol) for example. So I thought I’d start with one of the easier one’s, one which ìs going to flow out of my head. And that is the difference that swapping sexes has made to my morning routine.

So okay, look at this way. As a male, you get up in a morning, rub your eyes, get out of bed, get dressed, make coffee, drink coffee, go to work. It’s easy, right? Piece of cake and the whole lot is done in half an hour – including a shower if you feel the need and/or you smell particularly bad. Now guys, don’t lie here; it’s not worth it. I KNOW this stuff. It is what it is and we’ve all had mornings like that. You’re out of the door before your coffee has kicked in, and off you go. I’m well aware of this – mine used to be wake up at 7:30, out at 8:00, in work at 9:00. I’m really not listening if you say anything different. Period.

Now, ladies. It’s not that simple is it? What do WE have to go through in a morning?? Shall we let the lads in on it? Or is it just me that does this stuff?

Well let me put it this way. Instead of opening my eyes at 7:30, and getting out of bed. I now have to add an extra hour onto that – half hour as an absolute minimum. Anything less and I’m late for work – 6:30 is now the defacto standard for me to ensure I’m in work for nine. How the flip did this happen??? Well I’ll tell you…

Make-up. Yes, you heard me; make-up.

Girls, how do you do it? How well do you have to know your make-up routine in order to get in the car, and into the office in the shortest possible time? Just what does it take to get you through that door as fast as you can?

Well I’ll tell you – you got to own it, you need to be on it like a car bonnet. You got to be on form, you need to know where stuff is, and it has to be available at a seconds notice. Guys? You wanna know why girls lose their shit getting dressed? It’s because you moved it. DON’T DO IT. I give you not when I say; it’s a flipping art form. If there is one thing that has been moved so you can brush your bald head? Put it back. To get this down to a fine art, it has to be available, where we left it and ready to be opened and used. If not, we got sooo much to sort out. We just don’t need it…

I mean, foundation, routine in its own right? Contouring, get it wrong and you have to start all over again – you hear me girls? Colourising, too much red or blue and your done, the whole lot has got to come off (half hour down the pan). Finishing, may the Lord have mercy if there’s not enough clear powder or fixing spray. And the thing is, thats just make-up – I’ve got other stuff on top of that!

I mean, look…

Nice picture, eh?

That was me going out one evening. How much effort do you think that really took? Allow me to explain…

There’s underwear, possibly more than one layer depending on the effect you’re looking to achieve. There’s padding (yes Guys, I’m straight up and down, I got to get my figure somehow). There clothing, obvious. There’s makeup, a half hours worth; actually. And then there’s the hair (it’s a wig, but hey ho it still needs attention).

I mean, EVERYTHING needs attention. Down to the finest detail – it’s all in the detail. You get it wrong there, someone is going to notice. And if they’re bitchy enough – they’ll tell you. That is not something you want happening after you’ve put THAT much effort in to looking this good.

And for me, as I did not have to think about this stuff six months ago, it’s insane that I have to do it now. Jeez, I must be mad…

BUT! I look one hell of a lot better now than I ever did previously.

I mean, I put a profile on a dating website. Told everyone I was pre-op Trans. Didn’t hold back and didn’t lie – don’t do that.

I had 161 likes in three days!

What?!?!?!?! How many??? They did read the profile? I’ll say it again; “pre-op.”. I’m not sure what was going on, but that picture above was one of the pictures on the profile. So it pains me to wonder what these people were thinking, as 130 of those likes mentioned above; were men.

So OK, please… DO NOT. EVER. Try and tell me about the difference between the sexes again. Why? Because as a transsexual, I know both, I’ve seen both and I’ve done both. And my god it is enlightening. It really opens your eyes to just exactly what men and women go through in today’s society.

So the question is?… Why the feck do we do it???…

Love,

Vikki xx

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