Thoughts.

I can’t say morning gorgeous today because it’s not – It’s 10pm.

10pm and big realisation has just hit me. Literally everything hangs in the balance. I’ve never felt more insecure as I do now. I have NO idea what the futures going to hold. And as I sit here and write, I’m scared. Really scared.

So I told you last night that my job is hanging by a thread, and if I don’t nail it over the next 8 weeks (And keep nailing it for the next year), I’m out of work – which will consequently ruin everything. Well I took a phone call today advising me that my contract is up on the flat on the 24th and do I want to renew?. Well, do I?

I mean, what happens if I renew and then I lose my job? What happens if I get another one further away, and then renew but have to move? What happens if I don’t renew, lose my job and then don’t fond another one? So many unanswered questions, so many possibilities, so many unknowns…

And I’m transitioning.

I need stability and I don’t have it. Everything hangs in the balance and for the time in my life I can’t predict the outcome. I don’t know what to do for the best, I don’t know if everything is going to work out or if I’m going to lose it all.

And what will happen if I Do? Where do I go? What do I Do? How do I survive this? So many questions, not enough answers…

Ok, I mean this blog is written for this purpose. It’s here so my son; when he gets around to reading it, will know what I went through to get to where I want to be. And I don’t make it, then this blog is my legacy to him. It’s on a free wordpress account; so as long someone logs into it occasionally, it’ll always be active – I need to give the account details to someone I trust. He can’t not read this at some point in his life. I wish my father had left me this kind of legacy.

And then I remember the dreams. The dreams I had as a teenager, the vivid dreams, the deja vu. And I get scared. I get scared because part of me knows but it doesn’t remember. I remember the flashbacks. I remember being scared out of my mind. I remember knowing I was going to get somewhere but not knowing where I was going. I remember the madness.

Yet this is the first time I’ve ever written it down. The first time I’ve ever been frank about it. The first time I’ve admitted that it’s real, and that it’s scary. Possibly the first time I’ve ever cried about it, but I doubt that. It’s definitely the first time I’ve laid this stuff bare for all to see. The first time I’ve ever exposed the real me and what makes me tick.

I’m in tears. I have no understanding of how to deal with this. Only that I must. And I must do it soon or else everything will lead to nothing, and nothing will become everything. And when that happens, all is lost.

It’s hard. Hard to write from so deep inside myself and yet I must. This has to come out. This has to be written down. This has to be laid bare.

I will read this in the morning and possibly regret what I’ve wrote because it’s really scary to me. But I’m not going to change it. This post will stay up, if nothing more than a reminder of how far down and how deep these feelings actually go. And without them, I’ll never be who I really am.

It’s another layer that has been stripped away on the path to the truth. The real me, the real Vikki, the real person hiding behind the mask.

And it is Vikki that is behind there. She knows it’s true, she’s just been so scared to come forward as she’s been hurt that many times, it’s all she knows.

I wish I’d have been able to transition sooner. Maybe life would’ve been different. But there’s a reason for it to have been this way, and soon I’ll need to know what that is.

Because I’ll have to deal with it.

Lots of love,

Vikki xx

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