Change… Again.

Morning gorgeous xx

Or afternoon, evening, night, whatever it may be where you are. I just hope you’re having fun and you’re enjoying life doing it. Because thats all that matters in the long run.

So, yet another post and yet another story from the effervescent life that is mine. When the hell is it all going to calm down and be peaceful & quiet? Knowing my luck and past history, probably never. I suspect I was put on this planet to write an entertaining story, and it’s looking like my life that is probably it. That sucks, but whatever.

Now I suppose you’re probably wondering where the attitude has come from this morning? Tell me that you’re not? I won’t believe you, I do have one hell of an attitude this morning. The question is, do I have a good reason?

Well the answer is yes, sort of. It was a bad day, yesterday and it wrought havoc with my head, and brought out some changes. Some necessary; some not so necessary.

Firstly, it was my son’s birthday, he turned five. I wasn’t there to see it though. As you know, I haven’t seen him since I transitioned; so it was hard, very hard. I was also told that he now calls someone else “daddy”; which, as any father will tell you is the most heart wrenching thing in the world to find out. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, why I’m doing it or what I’ll do in the future – Genetically, he is my son, I am his father, I was his dad the day he was born. That cannot be changed. When he first used the word daddy; he was referring to me. It was a heart wrenching moment for me. And to find out on his birthday, that I cannot be present for, stabbed me right through my heart.

But I must be strong. Because the true purpose of a dad; is to show your children that you can grow up to be whoever, and whatever you want to be. There should never be any limits on that. So when my son comes looking for me, that is what I must be able to show him, however hard that journey might be.

Secondly, I lost a friend. A good friend. A family of friends. It’s a situation I’m not happy about, but one I’m happy to accept. Which is very strange. They deserve some happiness, and it has come at the right time for them. But for me; it is bittersweet. As I was going through this pain, I needed help. And I chose them to help me, but they couldn’t. They couldn’t because what they needed to help them resolve a situation they were in came at the same moment I was in my deepest pain. I was hurt that they couldn’t help me; but I’m happy that they have received some good news, as they truly deserve the best in everything.

I’ve had to back away; as the pain of the last few days has been so great. Great enough for me to realise that I cannot destroy anyone else’s happiness because of it. Because how is that fair? It is not, and should never be. Sometimes life isn’t fair, and there are winners & losers in every situation. This time I was the loser and I must lose gracefully, for if I do not; it is not a loss, it is a travesty. I wish them all the best and I hope that one day we can enjoy success together again. But that day is not today.

Both of those events put me in a situation where I left myself open to abuse. And I nearly allowed it to happen. I was nearly abused by someone. I kept control however and allowed myself to be used; in order to learn something new. Which I did. The lesson was personal and I will not explain it here. But I am thankful for it, as without it I would be unable to move forward in my transition.

I know now who I am, I am sure of my personality, and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. Hopefully, it is onward and upward from here on in. The future is not ours to see; but I hope it is a lot brighter than the recent past.

Time will tell.

Much love,

 

Vikki xx

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