Morning Gorgeous. I hope you’re all doing well today? If not, I do feel for you and pray that life will take a step in a better direction soon – Big hugs from me and if there is anything I can do to help, find me on social media. You will always have an ear that listens and tries to understand as best it can.
So, this page is here so that you can all read the important events in my life. You can get to know me, Vikki and where I came from. How did I get here; well read below and you’ll find out. Let’s start by going right back to the beginning of my life. Hopefully, . And to do that, I need to reference a number of events that took place while I was a child.
Firstly, when I was born (1972, all those years ago) many, many, many of my mothers friends used to quote on what a good looking girl she’d given birth to. The fact that the baby was, in fact, a boy didn’t enter their heads. Next up, was the bout of Encephalitis that I had when I was four. My family treated that a lot more seriously than they actually needed to. Admittedly, there was one point where the doctors were concerned I wouldn’t make it; but the type of Encephalitis I had is very aggressive – It’s Nasty.
My families treatment of me after that, especially not knowing some of the things I do now, led to a lot of jealousy, particularly from my brother. I mean, wow! The guy was jealous. He had no reason to be but he was – I mean, who was I but a normal child trying to live a normal life; just trying to be me. I was effeminate, very much so, but that’s nothing to be jealous of. I preferred my sister to my brother, so what! Get over it! But I was brought up on the outskirts of Liverpool, in the 1980’s. In an environment where Men were Men, and Women were in the kitchen – not pleasant. In addition; one of my uncle’s identifies as Gay, and has had a Drag Act. I have seen what life for him was like and I never wanted that for myself. I also knew I wasn’t like him, that something was different somehow; but I didn’t know what, so I just had to get on with it.
My brother made life very difficult though – He was a man’s man and expected me to be the same. When he realised I wasn’t, he abused me; for most of my childhood and the early part of my adult life. The result of that was that I was brutally raped by six of my peers when I was approximately 10 years old – The reason they gave? I was Gay & Epileptic and they wanted to prove it, so they thought they’d take it upon themselves to try. Thanks lads, very comforting.
So, those events had a profound impact on life in the decades that followed. The rape was covered up and never dealt with, other than the ring-leader was removed. I was brutally bullied during the following school years and finally left at age 16; destroying my hopes of going on to university. And because of that, I found comfort in the use of computers and became extremely proficient & knowledgeable about them. This led me to choose Computer Science, and later IT, as a career.
In 2004, I dealt with that via Rape Crisis. I was referred to project called ‘Fire In Ice’ in Liverpool and it didn’t take long for me to sort that out, so I soon left. But I hadn’t dealt with all my issues and I knew they couldn’t help me any more. I had to go. I could have done a better job of leaving them though – I do owe apologies to some people who were there.
Off I went. I moved away from my family in 2008 and eventually settled in Cambridge, I still live near there now. I met my ex partner in 2010 and we got together in 2012 after I left where we both worked. Things accelerated there and we had a wonderful baby boy in 2013. (He stays out of this – I may refer to him from time to time, but NEVER by name.) He’s an Angel, and a brilliant young man, he’s going from strength to strength. I love him and miss him dearly. But me and his mum weren’t right for each other and the relationship broke down, horribly, in 2016. I think we’ve repaired some kind of friendship for the sake of our son but things will never be anywhere near what they were. Certainly coming out as Trans has helped as it explains so much. But I think everyone needs time to adjust now.
Credit to her though, during the breakdown I started the process for a diagnosis of Autism. And even after we broke up, she still found the courage to help me with that and she was present when the diagnosis was confirmed – Asperger Syndrome in fact. I’m Autistic, yay! So much fell into place that it was life changing. And in all honesty, I don’t think I would have made it through that without her.
“Do you know what though, I use the word “But” a lot when referring to my past and other things. And I use it again here. Sometimes I get tired of it, but (haha) I like to present multiple points of view or switch between related topics. I’m odd like that…”Vikki Kinsella, January 2020
But. Autism wasn’t enough. Something was still missing. My life had started to change though, and in 2017 I changed career. I did this under the influence of a short term relationship, which I’ve detailed separately; and it cost me an awful lot. Those changes that she brought about, however, eventually led to a massive breakdown later that year. And it was from that breakdown that I came out as Trans.
The last two years have been hard, increasingly so over time. For reasons I cannot, yet, explain. Could it be I need attitude realignment? Could it be I need to forgive myself and allow myself to heal? Or could it just be that a woman’s world is exponentially more difficult than a man’s? (Male privilege and all that?). I don’t know, I can’t remember what I expected to happen in life; because I feel, partly, as though I’ve lost my way and I need to find it again. That, hopefully should come with time. I’ve returned home
More importantly, this whole blog is dedicated to my son, Peter. This is all for him, it’s not for me – never did really do this for me. This blog is so he can see who his dad really was, and what kind of Transformation his dad went through after the relationship between him; and his mum broke down. And what created Vikki – Hopefully, one day, his Auntie 🙂
So I have a message for him, which I’ve written below. I hope he reads it one day and understands the sentiment; as I hope it will be here for him to read long after I’ve gone. In any event, it’s time for me to sign off and I’ll leave you with it.
“Son. I want to you to take something away from all of this. I want you to take the lesson that being who you are (and not blindly following the same path as everyone else), is what is most important in life. Be who you want to be and blaze your own path, son. Please don’t follow mine, your mums, your Step-Dads, or anyone else’s model – Follow yours. Trust in yourself and follow your heart son, then see where it leads…”
I love you son xxVikki Kinsella, October 2018
Thoughts of the day
The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.Walt Disney
It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.J. K. Rowling
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.Dr. Seuss